More help for idiots

Hey

Congrats, You’re An Asshole!

Assholes rarely know why they are the way they are, so here’s a clue for you on your journey of self-improvement:

Double parking
Parking in handicap space
Leaving dog in car
Not shovelling sidewalk
Creating your own parking space
Talking really loudly on cell phone while riding public transportation
Being a loud inconsiderate neighbour
Cutting in line
Bringing sixteen items to the fifteen-item express lane
Not tipping / not tipping enough
Not cleaning up after yourself
Not controlling dog
Not giving up seat on public transportation when someone obviously needs it more than you
Walking three abreast on city sidewalks
Leaving trash outside your apartment door
Not dealing with car alarm
Excessive car-horn honking
Leaving kids in car
Leaving your car idling while you run into the store
Snacking on produce and bulk items in grocery store
Not returning your shopping cart to the cart corral even though you are only parked a few spaces away
Opening car door without looking and endangering cyclists
Smoking in non-smoking areas
Taking up too much time with teller because you don't understand how banking works
Using an ATM for 18 consecutive transactions when people are waiting
Not letting others cut grocery line if they have only a couple items
Berating servicepeople for things not their fault
Parking too close to other cars thereby blocking them in
Not letting others out of the train/bus/store/post office before pushing way in
Not making more coffee when you finish the pot
Wearing too much perfume or cologne
Stopping to chat or look around in front of doorway, elevator or escalator
Leaving laundry sitting idle in machine at laundromat
Littering
Talking loudly on cell phone
Not holding the door for the person behind you whose arms are full
Using Barnes & Noble as den
Bringing child to R-rated film
Stinking up office with foul meals and snacks
Trying to sneak through a yellow light, ending up parked in intersection, blocking traffic
Sneezing without covering nose and offering snotty handshake
Not wiping equipment down after you've gotten it sweaty at gym
Not washing hands after using washroom
*Plus a blank entry for you to write in*

Help for Idiots

NYE 2 for 1 special

So here are two Craigslist posts.

lions choice - m4w

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-523206983@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-30, 2:08AM CST


you are so hot , i dont know your name but i think you are a manager. you have dark shoulder length hair, just once i would love to pour honey all over you and lick it off.

What? I have never looked at someone and thought "Damn, where is the honey?" Now won't you look at the condiments a little differently every time you go to Lions Choice?


Bathroom Lady - m4w - 28

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-523150596@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-30, 12:03AM CST


You were, apparently, in the bathroom at CBGB the other night. I was also looking for the bathroom, as I had to get rid of those 3 PBRs I had consumed.

I just want to say I'm really sorry. The bar was really dark, and I had never had to use the restroom there before. My buddies said "go to the door with the pumpkin by the bar" but I guess I didn't hear them, and I ended up in the wrong restroom.

I really wasn't trying to barge in on you, and I am not a pervert, despite what you may see as evidence to the contrary.

Regardless, I bet you're cute when you're not screaming in horror on a toilet. Can I buy you a drink sometime?

AWWWWW. Here is a man who can apologize for his mistake and still think you are damn cute while you are screaming bloody murder!

HBIC

You know where it's from.

Looking for Carla - Supervisor GC Services in the mid 90's - m4w - 29
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-10-09, 3:17PM CDT


You are a freaking beotch. I just wanted to get that off my chest. You once told me you wanted to break my boyfriend and I up so you could set us up with other people. You said it front of both of us at dinner with coworkers! I was too young and nervous to stand up to your fat a$$. I was scared you would eat me. I just wanted you to know eleven years later, we are still together and happier than ever. We make a ton of money, are well educated and have a new home bigger than your badonkadonk. I hope you found a better job...and a treadmill. Chances are, you did not. You better hope I never run into you at a all-you-can-eat buffet.



Now who else was rolling on the floor when watching I Love New York2 last night? The way they framed Midget Mac during the "talking heads" was priceless.

Gotta love it.

Haven't posted a Craigslist in a while. Sometimes it takes some time to find just the right one to post. Found this one in 2 minutes.

Walmart in Troy MO, FLavored Water Aisle
Date: 2007-08-04, 12:21PM CDT


I saw you in the aisle buying lots of flavored water. You have what I like to call a cookie dough moustache and maybe missing some upper teeth (couldnt tell, you didnt smile or anything, so please dont be insulted by this). Thought you were HOT! Saw you again in the parking lot as I was leaving. You drove a red and white older pickup truck. Not sure how old you are, maybe in your mid 40's. Couldnt see if you were wearing a wedding ring or not. You never looked my way, so doubt if you ever saw me. Maybe I will see you again at Walmart in Troy and not be shy to say HI.


What in the hell is a "cookie dough moustache?" And you can call me a snob, but since when are missing teeth attractive?