American Music Awards

--Christina Aquilera. Sucked! She didn't really sing. She screeched while bending over and squeezing her eyes shut.

--NKOTB. Donnie, Donnie, Donnie. Did you see him shaking his pelvis in my face? Oh and news flash--Jordan has not gone through puberty yet. Did you hear that falsetto?

--Scott Weiland introducting Pink. Still clearly on the drugs.

--Pink. Great song and performance. But the outfit was out of place. Stop trying to convince me you are a girl. Just rock it with your cock out!

--Taylor Swift. The performance would have been better if pictures of Joe Jonas were played on the screens behind her while she sang.

--NeYo. You are no James Bond.

--Oh! Just caught a glimpse of Kanye. That bitch didn't even bother to dress up. Or match. He is wearing a camo hat and bright blue and red arm striped zip sweatshirt!

--UH, you are not going to ever be Elvis or the Beatles Kanye! Give it up!

--Leona Lewis. Blah! That is what I think whenever I see her. Blah. No excitement. I mean, she tried with that crappy falsetto at the end but still BLAH!

--Miley Cyrus. I don't know what the hell that was. It was a spectacle. I can't see how anyone other than pre-teens are into that.

--Coldplay. Don't crucify me. That sucked ass!

--Mariah Carey. I just threw up! Nick had no reason to be up on that stage! Does everyone but Mariah know that he is just using her for money and fame?

--Rhianna. What the hell is she wearing? Looks like a big napkin. Did you see how she gave Chris Brown her purse to hold? It's official--he is her bitch!

--The Fray. What in the hell was that? The lead singer sounded like crap.

--I like Beyonce. I like the song Single Ladies. But why does she only sing half of the song? She doesn't even sing the chorus. She lets the back up singers do it instead. Why? Doesn't she know the chorus is the bread and butter?

--Jonas Brothers. What? I don't get it. They can't sing. And did you hear the falsetto every time they sang the word Tonight? What the hell? Since when is falsetto popular?

--Pussycat Dolls. How appropriate. Stripper poles. And did you hear the lead singer. She could hardly dance and sing at the same time. I kept hearing her heavy breathing in the mic. Very distracting.

--Since when is Ali Landry even relevant or fashion savvy enough to be the fashion correspondent?

--Justin Timberlake. Who knew that he even knew who Annie Lennox was? Um. Annie was not that good to warrant that standing ovation. Um. Why did Annie get to speak and Mariah didn't? Bitch is gonna be pissed!

--Natasha Beningfield. Better than I thought.

--Rhianna. A sexy pirate? What they hell is with her get-ups?

--Kanye. I am so confused. Are you a rapper or a singer? Well, clearly you should stick to rapping. That was horrible.

--Sarah Maclaclan or however you spell it. You should have sung by yourself. Pink ruined that song for you. I like you both. Individually. Not together.

--Alicia Keys. I liked Queen Latifah. But some opera chick? She ruined your song.

Phone calls

Tina, The Telemarketer Who Called Me Last Night - m4w

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Date: 2008-09-17, 1:52PM EDT



Dear Tina,

When you called me so unexpectedly at 6:00 last night, I was expecting a call from my sister and brother-in-law . I tried to explain to you that there were steaks on the grill and I had guests coming for dinner, so I really wasn't in a position to talk to you about a time-share in Vegas. You persisted. I am not the rude type, so I continued to indulge you rather than hanging up the telephone in your ear. I figure that probably happens quite often and you were only doing your job. However, I think we had a real misunderstanding and I'd like to set the record straight here.

When I asked you what you were wearing you became very defensive. I am in sales myself and I am required to wear a suit and tie to work every, single day. I simply wanted to make sure you were prepared to make a good first impression.

When I asked you what type of panties you were wearing it was because I wanted to make sure I was dealing with a "normal" person and not a pervert.

Asking you if you were masturbating when you spoke with customers was my way of checking your professionalism.

When you started making claims of sexual harassment, I was flabbergasted. There was really no need to call me names. I was also appalled that you had the audacity to hang up on me! Need I remind you that YOU called me? The least you could have done is to have been grateful that I took the time to speak to you in spite of the fact my steaks were burning.

As for the Vegas time-shares, I am very interested. How about you come over to my place, bring a couple of steaks to grill (as you kind of owe me a few steaks anyway), and we can talk more.

Clap

To the older woman watching me buying condoms - m4w

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Date: 2008-10-22, 6:10PM CDT



I was the 20 something guy holding two bottles of chardonay in the condom section of the Dominick's. You were the lovely lady in her 50's peering over my shoulder as I made my selection. I was not aware of your presence until the audible gasp when I reached for a box of ribbed magnums. My date did not go exactly as planned; the wine went down ok but I forgot to use the magnums in the heat of the moment and I think I may have gotten the clap. Long story short I still have a dozen condoms left over if you are interested in going out sometime...

Proof you can find love anywhere!

You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w

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Date: 2008-08-14, 8:58AM CDT



I shouted "fuck the police"...you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let's chat after you make bail.

Headlines

First of all, I am so upset that no one left a comment on my previous post about Laterian. Am I the only one who finds him incredible?

Did you hear? By 2030 all Americans will be overweight. Well, it seems that I am ahead of the curve! It's only 2008 and I am overweight! A+!

Did you hear? Jerry Lewis was caught with a gun in his luggage. Yes, I said Jerry Lewis. What in the hell does he need a gun for? Douchebag. I was at Lambert years ago and he was there. My mom and I went to use the bathroom and these 2 big security type guys told us we couldn't go in. We asked why not. They said that a celebrities wife was in there. It was Jerry Lewis's wife. Let me tell you, I wouldn't recognize that hag if she smacked me in the face. DIVA!

Laterian

Please meet my newest favorite person, Laterian. He is only 7 but already loves to go out with his friends and do "hood rat stuff." He is a thug in the making. And I love him.

http://www.dlisted.com/node/25585

But I'm not going out like no punk bitch!

Cop who gave me a ticket for drinkng in public - m4w

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Date: 2008-06-01, 4:46PM CDT


We already had a drink together kind of. What with me sitting on a stoop finishing my Stella while you wrote me a ticket. But I feel kind of bad that our first date involved a couple of my friends, who were none too sober, and you had a workmate out with you. Also, while you seemed real interested in me: you took my address, phone number, height, weight, even eye color, I didn't even get your name. Frankly, I found your instant fascination with me a little flattering, if slightly creepy. I suppose a gals gotta be on her guard these days though. Still, it's not very flirty to take down my DL number.

Anyway, you did set up a second date with me but it was at a courthouse in the early afternoon and you kept telling me I didn't have to go if I don't want to. You had the courage to just pull over onto the side of the road to talk to me but you're being coy about our second encounter? What gives?

Maybe we could go somewhere a little less arrestee instead. We'd have to go dutch since I'll be spending my date money on the fine you gave me but you seemed like a pretty independent woman so I don't suspect you'll have too much of a problem with that.

You were really pretty with a surprisingly warm smile given the situation. I was the one who made a joke about pronouncing "stella" with a proper French accent. We could be like the lamest cop/criminal romantic comedy ever. You could be torn between your job and me and ultimately figure out zany ways to thwart my schemes to drink in public without landing me in the slammer. It'd be great.

Seriously though officer, do you wanna go on a date?